These are my thoughts

As I read my past blog entries from my freshman year of college, I feel like I am reading into the life of a totally different person. Three years ago I felt worthless, unloved, depressed, and very lonely. I remembered walking down the street outside of campus hearing the chatter of people around me thinking they were talking bad about me. I know this sounds a tad dramatic, but let me assure you that all of it is true. It wasn't a mindset I chose to start thinking in, it just happened when I believed a lie. 

When you are pulled from your comfort zone, something you have been familiar with for so long, the tendency is that what you believe in is all put to the test. Things you thought you knew about yourself will go through the fire, and if it doesn't withstand it, it will burn. And just like any situation in life that's what happened with me. 

When I came to Korea for the first time in eight years I was excited. I'm not going to lie, I was looking forward to see familiar things from my childhood. Eating legit Korean food that I haven't had in a long time and even meeting people I knew. The amusement quickly died down when I started college and realized that my mom would leave me to go back to Egypt and I would be all alone. My family has left me once to go ahead of me to Egypt while I tried to finish my school year in the Philippines, but they left me in our house with my aunt and my cousin. So it wasn't too much of a change, but this time my world went upside down when everything was new and I was the only thing familiar to me. 

I later found out that although my college was a Christian college, it was known as one of the top party schools in Korea and every single orientation I attended invited all the incoming freshman to go clubbing and drinking afterwards. This frustrated me a lot! Because God called me to Korea! He was the one that wanted me to attend this specific college! He was the one that promised that He would provide and He has so much in store for me here. Where was all that? Where was the community He promised? Where is the slightest hint of His presence in these people? I couldn't find any of it anywhere! 

Last week one of our pastors at church preached on loneliness. So yes I did not just open a can of worms for no reason. The sermon really made me think back to when I was lonely and going through a hard time. I still get lonely here and there, it's a lot different from what it used to be.

As I sat through the sermon one thing really hit me, she said that we all experience that feeling in our life, because we feel like we lack something in our lives. Just like hunger and thirst. It is something we were made to crave in our lives. She said we were made for intimacy. That's why we get lonely, we need intimacy! We were made for community and intimacy with Him. So interesting that she put it in the sense. 

Now 3 years later as I sat through that sermon what she spoke of resonated in my heart. I looked at the people around me and knew that this was my family and that there was a reason I am here. These people were the ones that walked me through every step, and broke off every lie that the enemy was speaking about my worth. It was this family that open heartily embraced a hurting girl and loved on her the way Christ would. It was through that love that I no longer saw myself as lonely. In the sermon she mentioned that God always puts the lonely into families and I couldn't agree more. 

Dear friends, you are a part of a much bigger family. Know that you are not alone in any circumstance. 

Blessings and Love,

Marie

It's not just about me

Later in the year 2012 I had shared that in my blog I was lead to walk down a different path than I used to before. Maybe I was expecting I would be walking the same path that, but God threw a curve ball down my alley, I don't know, maybe, but for whatever the reason it really did let me grow. To get specific about it I, along with one of the leaders from Emmaus, was sent out to reach out to another area of my university. This area was an area I was very familiar with. Not only because I knew about it, but because that was basically where I went to every single day all day. It was the International Division of the campus. This is where all the English speaking students whose classes are all in English basically spent all their days. Needless to say, it was one area of my life that I have grown to ignore due to the focus I had on not only reaching students at Emmaus (which mostly composed of Exchange students) but solely focusing only on the exchange students alone. On campus, unless you've taken a class with me, I would probably be the kind of girl that would be invisible in high school. The one that no one knew about other than the fact that I apparently go to the same school. With this reputation that I've slowly, but unintentionally obtain I was having a hard time break out of that bubble. It's not like I wanted that reputation to be on me, it just came, and I was too busy with Emmaus events to go to any school events. Which in my defense I did not want to go to, knowing that a lot of it involved clubbing and drinking. I honestly didn't want to be a part of it. If I had known my college was a party school to begin with I might have had doubts about coming here in the first place. But God is good, and He is always on time. Listening to the sermon I heard in church last week. No matter what goes on in my life, He is in control and whatever comes was His timing.

Let met rewind back a few months to when I found out I would be sent. I found out during our Staff and Student leader meeting that not only was I being sent, but my small group would ONLY be compose of those International Students and this semester would be solely focused on reaching out to them. Funny thing was, as excited as I was to find out our new assignments this semester I told the Lord that I would do anything He gave me with excellence; not actually knowing what I was getting myself into. At first I was excited, and then shocked, then the reality hit me not only was I the only student leader doing this, but I was the only STUDENT doing this. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't have a small group to lead on, nor have any specific people to pour into their lives. I felt so unstable. I didn't know what to do.

Many times I found myself crying each time people asked me "Who's in your famila?" or even a simple "How are you?" For some weird reason every time our worship leader at Emmaus asked me how I was doing. I would break down in tears just expressing how difficult it was being so willing to do ministry and serve others but not seeing or meeting the people that God has already picked out. Long story short God really challenged my faith that semester, but molding my heart to be more like His. He allowed me to wait for His timing and perfect will to bring the increase. That semester was one of the craziest semester I've had in regards to Divine Appointments. Just random, totally out of this world Divine Appointments with International Students all throughout campus, when I'm grocery shopping, going to a dinner banquet, having a conversation with someone just because we were going the same direction. It was insane! In a good way!

Fast forwarding to the present, before Emmaus large group I knew that God was going to show up powerfully to all the students that would come. I came expectant and excited to see what God would do in those few hours, not knowing that I was going to be blessed too. That night in particular I knew a few UIC students were coming I just wasn't sure who. As worship began I ushered people into the sanctuary and into their seats, to my surprise it was the very same people I had Divine Appointments with in the past. I was so floored thinking that God was going to bring the increase in that way! Every tears that was shed through prayers became so worth it as I saw the lives that were being blessed at the altar. It was such a beautiful thing to see the promises of God come true! I was such in awe just to see how God continues over and over again to surprise me with amazing things! Thank you God! 

I knew that without the previous semester I would not have felt as thankful to the Lord if this happened then. Because I expected it, to be honest I feel like I would have demanded it from God than anything else. I remember last semester having a conversation with Him about why He wouldn't bring the increase. He replied in His still gentle voice. "I can bring the increase right now, but what's in it for you?" I dwelt on that word for a long time before I fully understood what He was saying. It was hard for me to accept that that season was really a time for my growth, and that He knew what He was doing. Although it was a very difficult season I am thankful now for that time, because not only did I get to see the fruit, but I took part in sowing the seeds and celebrating alongside with them seeing the things God has done. It's not just about me, it's bigger than me.

Thankful for His promises.