Papers Papers and more Papers!

For most of you who have actually experienced college, it's not always fun and games. I've heard about what happens with the amount of school work students had to do or the fun things they did during this point in their life, but hearing things and experiencing things are two totally different things. I used to get so pumped up thinking about living on my own, making my own decisions, and choosing to do what I want to do when I wanted. After being in college just a few months I'm starting to realize the intense work that comes with it. Having to make my own decisions wasn't always fun. It sometimes meant that I had to be responsible for my actions. It was fun at first to hang out with my new friends and enjoy the newly found freedom that came with being a college freshman, but a few weeks down the line the work started to become more intense as each day passed I found myself doing thing I have never thought I would do before. I am such a morning person I love the mornings and I am up and ready for the day, but pulling all nighters constantly just to finish papers made me value every bit of sleep I could get. I would take naps between classes just to make sure I had enough energy to function for the other half of the day and enough strength to stay up to write papers. But I've observed something in the past few weeks after going through the routine of things every week. I remember being constantly exhausted through the whole day walking around the campus like a zombie not really fully aware of what I was doing or what was going on around me. I felt delirious, not really learning anything cuz of my lack of sleep. It was awful! I remember being soo tired to the point I would stand in front of my door for a solid three minuets trying to remember what I was going to do next (which was lock my room.)

I feel like that's what our Spiritual life is sometimes like. We are trying to keep ourselves busy going to youth group, going to church, doing Bible study, volunteering for different ministries, going on mission trips, etc… Not that those are bad things, but sometimes those are what drains us from truly experiencing God. We are so busy that we walk around this world like zombies that are physically present but not fully aware of what God is doing or teaching us. That's something God has been teaching me these days. I am constantly on the run scheduling every minute of my life not even having time to process anything let along actually have time to stop and talk to God. It's so hard to go about life doing what I am suppose to do and have time to talk to God throughout my day. But I know that has to change. Just like in any relationship, I would pick up a phone call in the middle of my busy schedule just to talk to someone I care about. And that's the way I have to treat my relationship with Christ. I would stop what I am doing through the day just to hear His voice. Cuz I know that so many of the things I do keep me from Him when my initial intention was to do these things FOR Him. The paper can wait a little while; my schedule can alter, and my nap can wait just so that I can spend some time with my Lover, my Savior, and Friend. For I know I can't find fulfillment and strength in anything else but Him alone. J

A Week Full of Joy

Recently I have been thinking a lot about how God moves in not only my life, but the lives of others around me. As I walked through our beautiful campus looking at the red and yellow leaves that covered my surroundings I began to realize how each tree knew what to do as the weather changes. They each knew their purpose for each season in their life and didn't question God about it. They we designed by their Creator with a reason and they will do what they were called to do through their life span. Each tree knows how important each season is in their growth. Even though winter comes and to the eyes of man it looks dead, but internally it is preparing for the beauty that will be reveled in the spring.

Many times in our Christian walk we think that just because we are going through a hard time means that we are doing something wrong, or we haven't done enough. And often times we forget that God allows those hard times to happen to us so that we can grow. I find myself thinking about each trial I've had to face in the past and how because of it made me stronger over time. God knew I needed to go through that in order to be ready for what is to come. It was definitely confusing and painful when I was going through it, but looking back I knew it was necessary. He doesn't give us trials to punish us or just to watch our lives crumble into a million pieces, He gave us that season for a reason. We just have to trust that He is holding our future and that He will never harm us but to give us hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11). Though I've been struggling a lot ever since I came to college I know that God will use it for my benefit in the future.

For some reasons these days, I started to think that what the Bible says about God being close to the brokenhearted and crushed in Spirit (Psalm 34:18). As I look at my journey here, my respond to the trials I faced wasn't exactly glorifying to God. I remember trying to hold on to friendships or anything else besides God just to take my mind off the pain I was going through. It wasn't until this week where that verse hit me right in the face. I know that God would be near me when the hard times came along, but it was more of something people told you just to cheer you up. It wasn't till this week that I truly encountered God really being close when I was so stressed out with school and things. To be honest last week was probably the most stressful week I've had since I got to college, just because all my due dates were all clumped together, yet I have never felt so much peace and joy ever since I've been here. Earlier this week at college fellowship they encouraged just be broken before the Lord and be in the place of utter surrender before Him. As the speaker talked about how we Christians sometimes begin to believe what the world has told us and we end up forgetting our true identity in Christ through the process, it hit home for me. I looked back on the past few weeks of being here in college and how I began to believe these lies just because I wasn't in an environment I was used to. And in the process forgetting who Christ made me. It was during that broken state where I just lifted up to Him all my burdens and fears that I felt true Joy and Peace that lasted through my week. Each day as I woke up I gave up my day to Him. Even if it was a small frustration I had over small things in life I cried out to Him. And because of that I was able to hear Him so much more clearly than I used to. I was filled with so much Joy and Peace throughout the week it was unexplainable. I stayed up two nights in a row writing papers yet I felt no fatigue the next day at all! And I had to do so many readings for all my classes that week yet God gave me the strength to read everything I needed to and come to class prepared each time! God is truly amazing; He continues surpassing all my expectations beyond anything I can imagine. I am so thankful for this week and everything that has come from it.

Then it got me thinking more of what He wanted me to do here, cuz for most of my life God has always told me to go out into the world and share the Good News with other people, which I did, but right now I strongly feel that God wants to just come into His presence and just grow in Him. A friend once told me of a sermon his Pastor talked about a few weeks back. He used a metaphor about hunting to get through to his point. He said that there are only two orders the hunting dog receives: "Go" and "Come" and both of those are equally as important. When the dog goes before the Master says "Go" it will frighten the pray away, and if the dog doesn't come back when the Master says "Come" neither of them can benefit from the hunt. So what I am saying is that it is both bad which way you look at it if the dog doesn't obey. Then the Pastor relates the dog to us Christians. He says that it is just as important for us to "Go" out into the world and preach the Gospel as to "Come" before the Lord and just grow in Him. I felt that God just wants me to grow in Him in this season of my life. Cuz I know that He will bring forth good for those who obey Him and I can trust in that promise. So when life gets hard or the bad things in life never seem to end, give it to God and just come before His presence and I can guarantee you it is truly the most fulfilling thing you could ever experience. :)

Photo by: Luong Thuy Phuong Linh

Beyond Overwhelmed

    As most of you know my journey to college wasn't exactly a smooth transition; yet in all my brokenness God still used me for His Kingdom. I felt alone in my struggles it seemed like everyone else around me had it "all together". It wasn't until a few weeks later I got to know three other girls who were going through just as much of a hard time as me. Together we hung out and began to develop friendships. One of the girls was actually a Christian to my surprise and together we prayed for each other in hard times. Besides her I was also supported by the college fellowship I had here on campus each week. I knew that God was working in my heart as I interacted with people there as well. Each week He brought a new perspective in my walk with Him. He allowed me to see areas I needed to work on and how much He loves me despite all that I have done.

Though hard times came, God used the support of people around me and gave me strength to overcome it all. I was still processing in everything that happened from the retreat over the weekend trying to see what simple things I can begin doing to deepen my relationship with God. I felt like I was still soaking in every little thing that happened over the past three days. I woke up Tuesday morning going through the normal routine for the day getting up, getting ready for school, going to class that kind of thing. It was basically like any normal day, nothing out of the ordinary except being filled with SO much JOY from the retreat. I continued to think about the things we talked about and the prayers that have been prayed over me. It definitely kept a smile on my face through the day. As usual after our Korean class my girl friends and I headed out to get dinner. We always did this on Tuesday nights then by seven o'clock we all go our separate ways and I would head off to my youth fellowship. On that particular day we saw some of the guys from the fellowship eating there. I greeted them as they walked to their separate tables. So the girls and I had our "normal" girl talk conversations (whatever normal really means in our little world of UIC students, ok it was more like tons of inside jokes and laughter every few seconds) while having dinner. I love having girl times; it's just fun being able to just talk and just chill like that especially after a long day of classes. After dinner as we headed out I waved goodbye to the guys from the fellowship as the girls and I walked to leave. Not long after we left the cafeteria one of the guys ran after us asking if we were going to the fellowship meeting that night. I told him that I would but the other girls had plans. Then to my surprise he extended the invitation to the rest of them. For some weird reason I don't know why I never thought of that. I couldn't believe myself that I never even thought about inviting them in the first place. I guess I was too "caught up" in my own life that I forgot about the other people around me. Anyways after a long hard discussion and a bunch of pros and cons about whether or not coming to this meeting was the best idea the girls eventually came to the conclusion that it wouldn't hurt to try.

At the meeting I kept a cautious eye on them trying to make sure they welcomed by the people I introduced them to. I was excited to show them this part of my life yet at the same time I was nervous about what they would think. Through the sermon I had to admit I was glancing at them from time to time trying to see what they were thinking from what I could tell from the expressions on their faces. It was definitely embarrassing to think about now that I realize what I did. I still couldn't figure out what they were thinking. All I knew was that for the past few weeks they have been asking questions about the joy they see in me. They kept asking where I got it or why it seemed like I was so happy all the time despite my work load or the hardness of college life. I knew I shared a little bit about how Jesus was the one that fueled me every day, but was that enough? I tried to focus my attention on the sermon but I couldn't help but think about how they would be taking this in. Was it weird to them? Would they be asking me questions later? In my mind I had to just give it up to God and allow Him to be in control. After the sermon we prayed together in groups and it got pretty emotional for me as I prayed over my friends. My heart just longed for them to come into the family, I knew that God was calling them but I wasn't exactly sure how I could lead them. As I was drenched in tears one of our leaders came to our circle and asked my friends if they were Christians and they said no, but they wanted to be. With my heart overwhelmed with emotions I couldn't even utter a single word, so the leader had lead my friends to the prayer of accepting Jesus in their hearts. All that fear of them not understanding or thinking this was all weird didn't matter anymore, cuz they have just entered the family. I remember going back home feeling beyond overwhelmed at how God is working in my despite how broken I felt in my life. I didn't feel capable of doing anything He has called me to, but His glory shines all the more when He does the impossible. :)

So right now I am just really excited about the journey that's just beginning for my friends. I can't wait to see how God will impact their lives and I am thankful and honored to be a part of that time in their life. So no matter how broken you might think you are, God will still use you if you allow Him to. Because His glory will shine much brighter through it all.

Your Love Never Fails

I've been so busy with midterms these past two weeks that I haven't had much time updating my blog, sorry for ya'll who have been checking only to find it the same. Once again I thank you for all the support of those who read my blog I am overwhelmed and thankful to the Father who has given me such a great opportunity. :)

These past few weeks have definitely been a challenge for me. Transition isn't always the easiest thing neither is getting used to living alone. It's been a season of struggles for me personally just because of some much going on in my life, to top that off getting used to college wasn't exactly the cherry on top of the ice cream. I knew that there is something better out there that God has for me, it's been rough, yeah, but God always has a plan and no matter what happens He will never leave me. As I flipped through a page of the amount of reading I had to do that week I remember feeling just so lazy and tired about doing anything. I didn't want to do school, I wasn't passionate about what I did. It was hard to focus on studying about European encounters about Sub-Saharan Africa when you had other things that were occupying your thoughts. I wanted to break free from the chains of all the lies that were in my head or the stress that everything around me was putting in me. Then God brought an amazing opportunity through my youth group called: The Breakthrough retreat.

It was such an amazing experience. I would have never thought a few months back that I would be praise and worshiping with a group of believers from all over Korea all hungering for a more intimidate relationship with Jesus Christ. It was a weekend of breakthrough no doubt. God broke through many issues I had in my heart that I was dealing with. First He broke through my fear of rejection so that I could see His love. He made me realize how I constantly sought after approval from people around me. I began to see why I did certain things just to get their attention more like their approval cuz I wanted to feel love and accepted. On the first night God made it clear to me that I didn't have to do anything in order to gain His approval. He already loves me just the way I am and there is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or less than He already does. The next thing God broke through in my heart was my fear of failure. We Christians apparently fall into two categories when dealing with this issue. The first category is mediocrity, we get the feeling that we have to stay or do something because it is expected of us by our parents or the people around us. It's not something we are passionate about or anything like that, but because are scared of failing we would rather stay there than achieve the dreams God has for us. If we don't fall in that category then we fall in the religious one that even though we know we have failed we keep striving for God's love. And we feel like we would have nothing if we don't keep striving. Because of those fears we are left paralyzed that and we can't walk freely down the road God wants to take us down. One thing that Pastor Marcus (our speaker for the weekend) said that stuck out to me was "If you manifest failure, you reap failure." I started thinking about how in my life I sometimes feel in I'm in one category or the other. God showed me that I didn't have to be afraid of failing because as long as I am with Him I know I will never fail. And that I should have faith in the things God has given me. Through the weekend we were given so much affirmation in our identity in Christ. I knew God was planting a seed in my heart that would continue to grow from the time He broke through it in my heart. I was able to see how God sees me as He says in His word. We were given a bunch of verses that talks about our worth. One of my favorites comes from Deuteronomy 14:2 that says "for you are a people holy to the LORD your God. Out of all the peoples on the face of the earth, the LORD has chosen you to be his treasured possession." I am His treasured possetion, I no longer needed to do anything for anyone to look for approval or prove anything to anyone, and all I needed was to see Him. Little by little I started realizing my worth in Him and how He loves me soooo much! Then for our last session we talked about the fear of man in order to break through the power of God. Sometimes we don't see the power of God cuz we are too concerned about what people think. And that holds us back from being able to truly see the power of God come into action. I began to realize how I did that in my life. Everything started to make sense, why I did what I did because of all these fears in my heart. God broke through every one of them and met me at my level. His love filled my heart beyond comprehension and brought me pure joy. I can't imagine how much God has loved me and yet I go about life complaining about certain things I don't have. His love is like the sunrise that brings hope to His people, to those who were lost, but now can see the way. God's love will NEVER fail, as He promises in His word in 1 Corinthians 13:8. So we can faith in that. :)

That weekend was definitely a powerful one; I know my life will never be the same after that. When I came home I remembered offering up to God everything in my life. I wanted to live for Him and Him alone, no matter where He takes me I wanted to follow and do what He has called me to do. I got rid of things that were holding me down from my walk with Him. I also had to deal with certain relationships that were harming me from my walk with the Lord. Those were one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I know I won't regret them. Cuz God always has a plan and no matter what happens He will NEVER leave my side. I know God has so much in store for me after that, but I didn't think I was coming so soon…

Stay tuned for the next blog post to see what God has done in my life that made me beyond overwhelmed :)