Safe in this House

This past week I had the honor and privilege to share my testimony at our annual church wide retreat! It was an exciting event where all four of New Philly's campuses came together for a weekend and worshiped under the same roof! It was so full of God's Presence; it was amazing! I ended up sharing on the first night and not everyone was there to hear it. So this is for everyone who asked me for it. :)

 Hi I’m Marie Suazo; I am currently a college student at Yonsei University and attending New Philly’s campus ministry: Emmaus. I grew up in a Christian family and has been living the “Christian life” from an early age, and since I was also born to parents who were diplomats, no matter where we moved around in the world whether it be Seoul, Cairo, or Manila, I was always put into Christian schools and going to church was always a part of our agenda. When I was younger I remembered having such an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. I would talk to Him day in and day out, just telling him of what I did through the day. Through His word and through prayer I could clearly hear what He was speaking to me that day. I remembered a time where I lied to my mother about eating an extra cookie and the next thing I knew I couldn’t hear His voice. I freaked out! To me it was like I got into a fight with my best friend and now we weren’t talking. For a 5 year old it was like my world was coming to an end. Thankfully the next day at school they talked about how sin is like a wall that keeps us from hearing God’s voice and all we had to do was repent from it and we could hear Him again.  Fully trusting my teachers, I went home repenting for lying to my mother and low and behold I could hear Him again! Praise God! Although I did enjoy growing up in church, having diplomatic parents wasn’t always easy. They were amazing godly parents, but I felt  like they wanted me to to act a certain way in front of certain people in their world. So I in return felt pressured to play a part, to act in ways the world expected me to. I did not know that this pressure somehow seeped into my Spiritual life as well.

Fast forwarding to years later, when we moved to Egypt for high school, I was involved in various church ministries. I was even given the opportunity to take leadership training to lead a small group as a freshman. My whole life revolved around the church and never really had a heart for things all my other friends had like dating, partying, and smoking because I genuinely loved being in with other believers. As more responsibilities were given to me, I subconsciously found myself playing another role. Because of I thought people expected things from me I would always put myself in positions for people to rely on me. Needless to say everyone around me thought my life was perfect. Since I was such a “goody two shoes” I never got in trouble nor did I fear authority either.  The adults that were involved in my life were so loving I didn’t feel ashamed to share what I was actually going. I was always very cheerful and happy no matter where I went even in school. I was the kind of student that would raise my hand excited to answer questions. Until one day I got a grade I didn't think I deserved and was not really excited to answer questions like I usually do. I just sat there and quietly listened to the lesson. That weekend at church the school principal came to me and told me that I was in trouble for "disrespecting my teacher" because I didn’t speak up and she told me to write an apologetic letter to her. I felt so hurt by her words and walked away crying. I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but shame still filled me thinking I didn’t reach their expectations. I felt so guilty that I decided never to do anything to disappoint people in authority ever again. So I put an even thicker mask on myself  and submitted under authority with no questions asked, thinking that I wouldn’t let them down if I did what I was told.

When I was called to move back to Korea for college and became a part of Emmaus, I realized how thick of a stronghold the fear of authority had over me. When my leaders would ask if I was free to hang out, I would immediately think that I did something wrong, and thought of all the things in the past week I felt like I messed up in. I feared authority so much to the point that when I became a student leader I would have one-on-ones with my leaders and I would assumed that they called me out because I messed up or wanted to rebuke me. They never did, they just loved on me. All this fear was rooted in the fact that I thought they expected perfection from me. My Emmaus leaders played such a crucial role earlier in college. I remembered one time when Pastor Erin asked to see all the staff after a large group. Jae Hee 언니 (older sister) said “Ok, PE.” She said it with such freedom, I couldn’t understand. If Pastor Erin said that to me I would have automatically thought that I did something wrong. It was not long after that Pastor Erin preached on rebuke and how it was actually life giving. When a leader rebukes you, she said they are actually saying “You are acting out of the flesh, That’s not of you.” Not “You’re not living up to what you are expected.” She also mentioned that getting a rebuke will actually take me to new levels of my faith. Although I didn't fully understand it, that message began to open up my heart to realize that the leaders did not actually expect things from me. It was a difficult concept for me to grasp, because I lived my whole life full of guilt thinking that I let God down each time I didn’t do things His way. And now these people want me to live in freedom? I just didn’t get it. I thought Christianity was doing things because He first loved us, but then after that we just need to abide by His laws and that was it. It was at this point the masks I put on slowly melted away. By each passing day I chose to believe that my leaders loved me and they didn’t expect anything from me.

When Rona became my Discipler, I was so scared to be rebuked by her. Not because she was a scary leader, but because I didn’t want to disappoint her. Eventually the Holy Spirit lead me to tell her about my past experience with authority. She prayed over me and broke off all strongholds that kept me in that mind-set. I didn’t really feel anything then, but I knew that something was different from the way that I interacted with the leaders. I no longer thought that they were “out to rebuke the life out of me,” but I knew that they were there to love me regardless of what I did.

               A year later Pastor David Ahn asked me if he could talk to me briefly after large group. My initial thought was, “oh my gosh, I messed up again.” But then I caught it, rebuked that lie and believed that whatever he has to say, he will say it in love and won't judge me for it. He talked to me about an incident and lovingly said that he didn’t think that what I did was the most loving thing to do. At that moment I began to cry, not because I felt the same hurt again, but because I felt nothing...I didn’t feel ashamed, I didn’t feel guilty, and I didn’t feel like I had to change myself at all. I felt so safe, so loved by his words that I felt like it was directly from the Father. 

I knew at that moment the fear of authority has been completely broken off of me and that God loves me just the way I am. It was through my New Philly family that really showed me that I didn’t have to play a role; I didn’t have to hide behind a mask. They loved me just the way I was and showed me the love of my Heavenly Father that I experienced a long time ago.  It was then that I knew I was safe in this house. 

If you are interested  you can check out the pictures and the messages that went out on our New Philadelphia Church facebook page. :)